Choose, my child. Only two paths lie before you this weekend. You can take the straight and narrow road to righteousness, or get your cinema freak on with two of your favorite TV stars! Choose wisely. The decision you make may ruin your weekend.

First, let's go with the seemingly obvious selection. "Date Night" features two of NBC's hottest performers, Steve Carell and Tina Fey. It's that old reliable template, the comic thriller.

You know, I've always thought the best way to inject life into a staid relationship is to get randomly mixed up in an violent conspiracy of some kind. Now, be warned: this is from the director of the "Night at the Museum" movies, and a writer associated with the tail end of the "Shrek" franchise. To quote my favorite Saturday morning TV show, "Chaka worry."

Movies such as these often hedge their bets by trying to be suspenseful AND funny, but not at the same time. You get a joke, then someone's severed head lands in the leading lady's lap.

The result usually is something neither suspenseful nor funny. Even with the supporting talents of Mark Wahlberg, James Franco, Mila Kunis, Mark Ruffalo and Kristen Wiig, I'm gonna have to wait for the DVD.

"Letters to God": BULLETPROOF.

Why?

Watch:

 

First of all, it's CHRISTIAN. Now, whoa, whoa, put down the crucifix.

There's nothing wrong with Christianity, or any other organized religion, he lied. I'm with Frank Sinatra - "Basically, I'm for anything that gets you through the night -- be it prayer, tranquilizers or a bottle of Jack Daniels." I believe in God - just not any of the major brands of it/him/her/they/us/me. So, if it works for you, GREAT. Don't pray for me, don't try to save me, and above all don't try to share your feelings on this with me on this. It took me 50 years to figure my relationship with my higher power, and I am tired.

Christianity is pretty much the state-sponsored religion of America (I know, this religious-tolerance policy is much like those safety posters on the employee billboard at work - they're official, but no one pays any attention to them). This GUARANTEES that it will be endorsed as a wholesome outing for the entire family in churches across our mighty Jesus demographic, and as a result the faithful will flock to it in droves.

But the God it promulgates is the Christian God, and that drags in a closetful of cultural assumptions and associations that, while they will ring bells for believers, will at the very least not interest and at the worst deeply annoy anyone else.

Second: THE DYING KID. This is what I call the "shoot the puppy" ploy. Put something innocent and powerless in jeopardy, and you'll have the audience eating out of your hand. Now, I HATE it when child characters are used in this manner - and it's the premise of the film.

 Sure, it's based on a true story. You know what happened in the true story? Someone embezzled the kid's cancer-fund money, the kid's dad lost his job and his house, and the kid died. But that story would have made it a Neil LaBute film.  This is the ultimate lemons to-lemonade project of all time.

Third: Everyone within a 100-yard radius of this charming urchin is going to experience redemption - the drunken mailman, the faith-challenged mom, trees, stones - you name it. The power of pathos will overcome.

Bleah. Message of hope? Commerical for Jesus? You decide. Now, if they had had the guts to tell the true story, and still pull a moral out of it -- that would have been a REAL expression of faith.

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