The Terminator -- and a Coke

Gigantic spoilsports at the Center for Science in the Public Interest announced on Nov. 18 that movie popcorn will kill you.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the auditorium. Just in time for the big holiday family film fests. It's time for the end-of-year battle of the blockbusters, "Avatar" verus "The Road" versus "Sherlock Holmes" versus "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus". . . who's gonna shoot for a late-year Oscar bid ("Invictus"), a tasteful and moving epic ("The Young Victoria"), who's gonna go for the gutter? Who will end up on the long end of capitalism's yardstick this holly jolly time of year?

Did "Precious" and "New Moon" just suck all the money out of a population already, one that's struggling to get mortgage or rent payments on the table?

And where's the dang horror movie this year that will open on Christmas Day? Are we not doing that anymore, now that I just got used to it?

Anyway, Jayne Hurley and Bonnie Liebman turned out a pretty snappy presentation in the December edition of CSPI's Nutrition Action Health Newsletter on the information that, among other things, the Regal movie chain's medium popcorn and soda combo packed three days' worth of saturated fat. Yeeeouch!

Who is writing the gags over there at Washington, D.C.-based non-profit watchdog and consumer advocacy group CSPI? "'Regal and AMC are our nominees for Best Supporting Actor in the Obesity Epidemic,' said CSPI senior nutritionist Jayne Hurley. "Who expects about 1,500 calories and three days' worth of heart-stopping fat in a popcorn and soda combo? That's the saturated fat of a stick of butter and the calories of two sticks of butter. You might think you're getting Bambi, but you're really getting Godzilla.'"

BA-BING!

Well, it's a fun read. Meanwhile, the Center for Consumer Freedom, another D.C.-based non-profit, decries what is terms the nanny-state mindset of CSPI.

"It's fine with us if CSPI wants to host office movie nights accompanied with buckets of broccoli, butternut squash and rye crackers," its Nov. 19 response stated. "The rest of us, however, want to enjoy the occasional nachos, candy, and popcorn-without a side of fear."

CCF is a corporate-funded advocacy group "devoted to promoting personal responsibility and protecting consumer choices." It is run by Richard Berman, who also advocates for the liquor and tobacco industries and fights against unions and raising the minimum wage. He is happy to acknowledge the nickname "Dr. Evil."

Cinemark was given kudos for popping their popcorn in canola oil, but at a day's worth of sodium in a large serving, it's a hot, greasy stroke in a waxed paper bucket.

All three chains use that "buttery" stuff, too. My wife, who survived a period of servitude behind the snack counter, asserts that they are legally forced to term it that rather than butter. To frighten me she will intone, "Do you want some buttery on your popcorn?" in a slurred, adolescent voice.

And don't get me started on the candy! And it's so expensive!

Anyone worth his or her day's worth of salt will be smuggling in God knows what to eat already. I've brought in sandwiches, Chinese food, shawarna. I'm thinking maybe fondue would be the ultimate challenge.

And I hear the corks pop, the bottle tops come off. When Denver's Mayan Theater was still the dollar movies, we would sit in the auditorium watching stuff like "The Howling" while empty beer bottles rolled down from behind us, down the uncarpeted incline, clanking and finally smashing to bits around our ankles down front as we gazed raptly upward.

In truth, we want to get all jacked up and watch a movie, on whatever. We want to get injected with salt and sugar and booze and be taken away into the film. In the old days, before the theater owners figured out the concession angle, our primitive forbearers did likewise, and before that with the opera or the bearbaiting or what have you.

Public-interest groups issue warnings, and groups on the other side push back. It is helpful, at least in an anthropological sense, to know how we alter ourselves biochemically when we undergo our shared secular rituals.

OK, maybe I'll skip the buttery this time.

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