Oh, ladies. Ladies, ladies, ladies. Shame on you.

On Oprah Tuesday, it was revealed that one-third of pornography users are female. Yep. And if it's on Oprah, you know it's true, right? Just ask porn superstar Jenna Jameson.

Actually, it was a Nielsen poll. (Yes, they track porn consumption too.) 13 million women checked out porn online at least once in the course of the last month. Here's an excellent analysis of the phenomenon by porn critic Violet Blue.

Welcome to our world! I don't know about you, but as a man I find this information incredibly liberating. If my famous Thelma and Louise Theory is correct, soon we will all be using porn and smoking medical marijuana in the workplace.

The Thelma and Louise Theory is this: if a guy does it, it's stupid. If a woman does it, it's empowering. If two guys left their spouses and went on a crime spree, they would, deservedly, be thought of as criminal idiots - not outlaw heroes. In the unassailably popular 1991 movie, the protagonists are kicking back against male oppression and become inspiring cultural icons - and martyrs too!

Color me insensitive - I didn't buy it. BUT if formerly condemned behavior acquires the gloss of acceptability through its misapprehension as a sociopolitical statement by the other half of humanity, so be it.

You think men like to go into dingy, smelly, dangerous, ill-lit smut shacks to get their erotic fix? Our feet sticking to the floor as others moan in the darkness around us and we run out of quarters? Nay, nay. It's just like bathrooms -- ladies' rooms are all nice, with couches and lamps and paintings and such in them, while men's rooms look like something knocked out with a backhoe by disgruntled slave laborers. We men deserve a nice relaxing high-class joint to, uh, relax in.

And check this out - not all men like porn! OK, we don't like BAD porn. Why anyone in the industry thinks that the plotless, soulless mechanical couplings of two or three or eight inarticulate sleazebags is a turn-on is wrong. Men need context! WHY are they doing it? HOW do they feel about each other? Remember, men ARE sensitive to feelings . . . especially their own.

Plus the music is terrible. "Bao-chika-bao-bao! Whe-whe-buh-dank!" Who can get off to that?

What we want is honesty, not those weird devices in the backs of magazines, not movies like "Bi-tanic" or "Muffy the Vampire Layer." We need women who make us laugh, who are good listeners, who like X-rated materials. We penis-laden folks are people too, and porn is the route by which men and women will shed their fears, suspicions and underwear and finally get together - hopefully at the same time.

This holiday season, guys, say it with porn. It's the gift that keeps on giving.