Trailer Critic

The quartet of major releases this week may represent a perfect spread of demographic appeal. There's something for old and young, rich and poor, black and white, smart and dumb.

Really dumb. Powerfully dumb.

Now, based on the trailers alone, I predict two of these movies suck and two don't.

Can you guess which two are which? (Note, I said they suck - I didn't say they wouldn't make wheelbarrows full of money.) The key phrase to remember is "concept." The ones that don't work are loooong on concept and short on execution.

"Kick-Ass" has been promoted to the skies. Advertising for it is everywhere. People are practically out on the street threatening to kick YOUR ass if you don't go see it.

It certainly looks - kinetic.

 

However, I must invoke the well-known Nicholas Cage Principle, which I just made up. The principle states: If Nicholas Cage appears in it, the odds that a given film is excruciatingly bad rise astronomically.

What happened, Oscar-winner? When did you become a crap magnet? Of your 63 IMDb acting credits, there are gems such as "Adaptation," "Moonstruck," "Leaving Las Vegas" and "Raising Arizona." On the other side of the ledger: "Amos & Andrew," "Guarding Tess," "8MM," "Windtalkers," "Ghost Rider," "Next," "National Treasure" I could go on, but it hurts just to write them down. Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.

Mr. Cage, you are close to joining the pantheon of Good Actors Who Make Bad Choices, right up alongside Burt Reynolds and Eddie Murphy. Stop now before it's too late! Oh, damn. It looks like you just finished "National Treasure 3" and "Ghost Rider 2." Never mind.

As for the rest of it, it's teen violence-porn. It tries to get around this by being self-conscious, commenting on its own violence-porn-acity. That makes it meta, right?

No.

P.S. - I also predict that copycat, real-life "Kick-Ass"-style incidents will soon flood the mainstream media, causing massive outrage, debate and added publicity.

"The Joneses": typical American family is actually a viral marketing ploy.

 

Don't you get it, man? It's not what we have, but who we are that makes us . . . um . . . what we are. That it takes "The Joneses" 96 minutes to say what I just said in four seconds means you owe me ten dollars.

"Death at a Funeral": hey, remember Frank Oz? He was Miss Piggy! He was Grover! He was Bert! Then he made "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" and "What About Bob?", both of which make me laugh just thinking about them. Then in 2007 he made "Death at a Funeral."

 

Hilarious, right? One problem - it was set in England. REMAKE! Hmm, who can we get to direct it? Who's really good at directing comedy? Misanthropic playwright-turned-director Neil LaBute ("In the Company of Men," "The Wicker Man" remake with our buddy Nicholas Cage)? YES!

This is something like hiring Sam Peckinpah to direct "Freaky Friday." Fortunately, it has much the same script, and an awesome cast - Chris Rock, Martin Lawrence, Danny Glover, Tracy Morgan. Check it out.

 

It actually looks funny, and I'll be damned if I don't go see it. (Help Frank out and get the original on Netflix, won't you? The British are usually funnier than we are.)

"The Perfect Game":

 

Yes, I know. Cinderella team, outta nowhere, going for the gold. It's a paint-by-numbers underdog story. Plus, it's full of winsome child actors, which gives me the willies.

But you know what? Too bad. Your male lead, Clifton Collins, Jr., is a great actor who's been stuck playing lowlifes, murderers and other stereotypes for way too long. This is his breakout role. And Cheech Marin is in it, playing the lovable priest a la Bing Crosby! Love Cheech. And Louis Gossett, Jr. as Cool Papa Bell! (Don't know who Cool Papa Bell was? Go away.) And another great but little-known supporting actor, Bruce McGill, is in there too, somewhere. Block out the inspirational ballad, and any getting-it-together montages. See this one for the performances alone.

And hey, I LIKE underdog stories. And I love baseball. And I've got a kid in Little League. Guess who's going on Friday? Me and my whole family.

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