What you eat in Vegas stays in Vegas

The following is an itinerary of last week, which can provide valuable information for those planning to visit and dine in Las Vegas.

Sunday, noon: Newark Airport. I find out an earlier flight is available but to save $50 I wait an additional 5 hours at the airport for my original flight instead.

2 pm: Started first big fight with wife, who is already in Vegas on a job. She’s working at a convention and I’m to meet up with her for the week, to mix work with pleasure. When I explain I declined an earlier flight and I’d be arriving around midnight she reasons, “I married an idiot.” She has to wake up at 7am the next morning and will not give me her room number.

4 pm: Wander through Duty Free and consider buying chocolates to smooth things over. Find out at cashier duty free is for international travelers. So maybe I am an idiot.

6 pm: Board my flight. I’m sharing a row with a woman who is wearing black leotards and a cropped shirt exposing her belly. From the shape she’s in, I suspect she’s in the lower rungs of the entertainment ladder in Vegas. She is standing on the seat losing her balance while trying to squeeze her luggage in the overhead in the sexiest way imaginable. It’s like a Vegas teaser. Was going to send a picture from my cell phone to spite my wife but still haven’t learned how to operate my cell even though I’ve had it a year.

6:15 pm: I’m the only one paying attention to the escape instructions. They’ll all be looking to me for guidance if this plane goes down.

6:30 pm: Start fight with an Asian family in row ahead of me. We’re still on the ground but they have already pushed their seats all the way back. Miss Vegas next to me has her legs bent and up against the seat in front of her, sleeping. The stewardess comes over and the second time they put their seats back again we are now screaming. “What is my problem? You’re my problem! Nobody puts their seat all the way back before the pilot turns off the seat-belt warning light!” The thirty-something man announced to our section, “There’s something wrong with you.” Their daughter, sitting directly in front of me, is moved to an empty seat two rows up.

7:30 pm: Nearby passengers are in a panic as a strange burning smell has engulfed the cabin. The pilots and stewardess briskly go back and forth sniffing the ceiling vents for the source. Some passengers are visibly upset, even young adults have lost their cool. The culprits turn out to be the couple in front of me who brought box lunches of spicy noodles. After they finish, the couple steam things up again and begin a make-out session sharing like I’ve never seen.

8 pm: During the five-hour flight I rewrite 50 pages of my new book, which I hope to finish during the week in Vegas. [I don’t realize this now but that’s the last I’m going to work on my book during the trip.] There is no meal and to watch any of the movies would have cost $6. I am on record as never complaining before about airline food. Doesn’t seem so bad now?

Midnight: Golden Nugget, Las Vegas. Joke’s on her. I learn that if I had no room for a night I was in the one city I could get away with that. I explore Freemont [Experience] instead of going directly to the MGM.

Monday morning: MGM. I witness “God’s flashlight” and see the sunrise on the Strip. So it begins. I get the key for our room and unpack my one backpack. Light broth and vitamins to cleanse my body. I nap and buy a juice in preparation to purchasing the Total Rewards 24-hour Buffet Pass. Starting with the minute you buy it, you get access to seven All-You-Can-Eat restaurants on the strip. I have prepared for this and wrote up a spread sheet mapping out the locations to every casino as they are farther apart than one would imagine. Carrot Top has a hilarious bit in his act [one that I’d catch later in the week at the Luxor]where tourists are trying to walk to New York, New York and it just keeps getting smaller and smaller. By the time they get there it’s dark. Yep, it’s funny because it’s true.

Monday evening: Spoke to my wife and we start major fight number two dubbed, “The Squabble at The Imperial,” where I was enjoying the best show (with a coupon from the guide books), the world's largest classic car collection and where I broke the news of my impending buffet marathon. Her argument is that she doesn't want me to make a spectacle of myself and “burst in front of” her co-workers. It was pointed out I’m not a goat. I explain I’m at my perfect fighting weight (20 lbs. overweight) and been training for the trip (completely sedentary for weeks).

Monday 10 pm: Flamingo. Instead of buying buffet pass, I go to Johnny Rockets for a warm-up burger to figure out how to get out of doghouse. Not the double because my corporate card for free meals is only good for single burgers. I obtained the card when I was working on my book on buffeting (“Getting the Most Out of All-You-Can-Eat Buffets Even If It Kills You”) before aborting the project on request of my doctor, agent and wife.

Tuesday morning: Played the tennis pro at Hilton and scored a full day pass at their spa. Getting a call from my wife, hopping on a scale in the spa and seeing a reflection of my disgusting naked body in a mirror there, totally throws off my game. Instead of hitting the lunch buffet I stay at the spa and eat a snack. All I have all day is a friggin' apple. Whoopty-do.

Tuesday evening: Hilton. I play their video poker machine because their Jacks or Better provide the best odds (according to Wizard of Odds where I got my index card cheat sheets which I refer to all night). I play $100 in the nickel machine. Next to me is a blackjack table with a dancer on top wearing a bejeweled thong. I tip $2 for each piña colada, about right especially considering the view.

Wednesday goes much better. I notify my physicians by email and put my cargo pants on. I'm going in. I show up at The Spice Market at Planet Hollywood “stacking,” going 25 minutes before lunch: $16 after tax $11 after a coupon from the Vegas fun guides. It’s possible to score “same-day” discounts at Tix4Tonight for restaurants and shows. Their closest location to me was the huge Coca-Cola bottle north of the MGM.

Spice Market is one of the top-rated buffets now and by popular consensus, second on the Strip only to the new Cosmopolitan, the James Bondish casino across from Planet Hollywood. Unfortunately their buffet is NOT one of the restaurants honored by the 24 Buffet Pass.

Spice Market does not disappoint. Strawberry banana smoothies wash before I try bread pudding, fluffy French toast, baked oatmeal and fruit pancakes. The low-fat meat sausages are above average. Non-alcoholic beverages come with the meal. After breakfast I book-end toilet visits by answering business and personal emails on my laptop before starting lunch at the same booth (lunch is $19 and dinner $27 weekends). By now I know my waiter’s life story and he is my partner-in-crime, helping me bring the Spice Market to it’s knees. Tip: Always tip your waiter well–you’d be surprised to see how many patrons don’t tip in a buffet. If you’re buffeting correctly, they are working pretty hard for you.

Spice Market used to be Aria, a showcase of international foods but they’ve improved especially the dessert station where I tried every flavor of crepe. And the strawberry tarts are excellent. But it’s appeal is its wide selection of Mediterranean selections. Curry chicken, almond and cranberry couscous, lamb stuffed in tomatoes...this is not usual buffet fare. My appetizers included tempura shrimp, shrimp primavera and caramelized vegetables of all sorts. My first buffet stop out of the gate is not bad. Breakfast and lunch, 2.5 hours and seven plates. I'll get those numbers up for dinner at the Rio seafood carnival, but not a bad start at all. Tip: Deep breathing is helpful for the digestive process when stacking meals. Always wear an iPod in the bathroom and you won’t rush.

Wednesday 9 pm: Rio. There was a day when Carnival World was at the top of the buffet world. They raised the bar in 1990’s but many places have stepped up to the plate since and now it’s menu is a bit bloated. But it’s a stop worth making–the Village Seafood is an additional $5 above the buffet pass–but once a decade at least. I do well though and I catch ‘n’ release well, avoiding starches and not pasta. Tip: Don’t even go near the salad and bread station.

Thursday morning: Paris Vegas. Le Village Buffet is one of the 7 restaurants on the Buffet Pass and one of the best. Normally $17 for breakfast, the only thing to complain about is the occasional line–it’s no longer a secret that the best time to come is brunch. I'm on a roll. Literally. I found a dinner roll when I sat up. Tip: Best not to even flirt with breads...except at the Le Village where a bread shop in the middle of the restaurant is a highlight of your dining experience.

Thursday lunch: Mirage. Best part of this buffet is the walk to and fro. The casino has beautiful smells and sounds. The buffet, not so much. A friend of mine who joined me for the second leg of this 24 hr pass got injured on the field of play and needed some serious time alone after lunch. Speaking to him on his cell from his room’s bathroom I asked him, “Really, why would you want to take that show on the road?” and convinced him to bail out. Tip: The internet is a great source of where to eat. Trip Advisor and others give the most recent reviews. Let other people, like me, be your guinea pigs.

Thursday dinner: Luxor and flying solo. The restaurant is buried in the basement and decorated as an archaeological site. The one buffet in Vegas where you are better off on line. After you get in, it’s all downhill. Tip: Hydrate, but in a buffet take small sips and never drink at the bar before waiting to be seated. Those are wasted calories.

Friday morning: Paris Vegas. I return to my favorite casino and do something I don’t do often–I eat within reason. Across from Le Village is a great little shop called La Creperie. Their best dish (all priced at $10) are the D’Anjou Pears. With sugared walnuts and pecans, covered in caramel coffee and Irish cream it’s one of the best breakfasts I ever tasted. And the portion is huge. You can bring your own coffee from somewhere else. They’re coffee is $3.75 for a small cup. Don’t eat in the food court but in the adjacent outside cafe and people watch. Tip: I've been to both places–the toilets and streets are cleaner in Paris, Las Vegas.

Friday noon: Bally’s. Placed a bet on the big game on Sunday while here in Vegas. $50 on the Los Angeles Temptation (The Lingerie Bowl VIII).

Friday night: MGM. A friend takes me to Joel Robuchon’s L’Atelier, considered by some as the finest restaurant in Vegas. My appetizer is LE POTIRON en velouté sur un cappuccino au gingembre et ses graines croustillantes (pumpkin velouté on top of a ginger cappuccino and crunchy seeds). I ordered this because it was not only the cheapest item ($38) but the only one I could remotely understand. The menu is exasperatingly French with exotic sweet breads and nose-bleed prices. All entrees were the size of a small cupcake. At my table everyone whispered they were going to look for a place to eat at later. Dessert was other worldly–a tray of six flavored homemade ice cream samples the size of golfballs but beautifully dense in flavor. Tip: Package deals coupled with shows are the only way eating at this level of restaurant (in Vegas) makes any sense.

Saturday day: I gamble for ten hours and finally hit a Royal Flush on the nickel machines playing Deuces Wild Triple Play. Grand total I’m up 40¢ on the the trip after being down $100.

Saturday dinner: My wife is talking to me again. We are going to spend our first meal together since we started this trip and my wife wants us to eat like “humans.” We haven’t seen much of each other between her work and me at the buffets. The few times we’re in the room together, I’m usually in the toilet.

MGM has some of the best fine restaurants along with Bellagio and Mandalay Bay. Shibuya, is the most pretentious and expensive sushi bar you can find on the strip. We split a tray of assorted fish they didn’t even have to cook. My dessert was an exotic peach the size of a marble (and most of it was a pit). For five minutes, I try sucking $14 worth of exotic peach juice out of that pit. It takes an experienced palate to appreciate and justify a dinner that cost this much. In all honesty, I could not.

Sunday brunch: Conversely there is Wolfgang Puck Bar & Grill at MGM. The food is excellently prepared but the portions are realistic and the prices are fair considering the circumstances. Any of the personal pizzas are memorable and all of the pies are exceptional.

Sunday evening: Congrats to the L. A. Temptation, the world champions. The game was handled with class and dignity despite the botched up National Anthem by Carrot Top. But what do you expect from The Lingerie Bowl?

There were a couple of more days, there was another fight on the flight home where I suggested to a woman she put her screaming baby in the overhead and, yes, there were a couple more excessive meals. I could go on, but you have to know when enough is enough.